17
Dec
Media v. Dead Children
Pubic Savant
"Who likes cracked skulls?" -jesus
Fine Folk
Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan
Social icons by Tim van Damme
17
Dec
Media v. Dead Children
22
Jul
[Under Secretary of Defense (Acquisition, Technology, and Logistics)] Pete Aldridge, Service Secretaries, distinguished officials of the Department of Defense. [Vice Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff] General [Richard] Myers, thank you very much for those kind words.
The topic today is an adversary that poses a threat, a serious threat, to the security of the United States of America. This adversary is one of the world’s last bastions of central planning. It governs by dictating five-year plans. From a single capital, it attempts to impose its demands across time zones, continents, oceans and beyond. With brutal consistency, it stifles free thought and crushes new ideas. It disrupts the defense of the United States and places the lives of men and women in uniform at risk.
15
Jul
![Episode 4 - Happy Suck Day
Hovering in the sky, the clown planet seems to stare obliviously into the far reaches of space as the Astronomical Cat swoops by, its theme music playing on a constant loop as it does so. In the background, the bun sent by Uncle Grandfather to warn Gerald flits across the screen.
We immediately pan down to the earth below, where an ugly and brutal conflict has broken out. Cats and buns are fighting each other, and right in the middle of it all the Young Man is still stuck in the hole - clinging to Sherman’s neck as he surveys the carnage. He momentarily falls back down into the hole where his animal cohorts await.
- Young Man: Golly, it looks like we’re in the middle of a war between hot dog buns and cats! And I’m certain this war is because someone is mad at the other.
- Felix: Just get us out of here, ya dumb son of a bitch!
- Young Man: You don’t understand!
[[MORE]]
- Monkey: And if you hadn’t driven us into this hole, maybe we’d be eating ribs by now.
- Sherman: Yeah, or some tacos.
- Felix: I don’t want tacos.
- Zebra: I’m not eating anywhere where we’ll see people from work.
- Parrot: Mac and cheese!
- Young Man: Okay, animals. Assume battle positions! Ten hut!
- Bird: (squawks)
- Sherman: How’s about some fish then?
- Felix: Mmmm!
- Sherman: Fish is good.
- Monkey: Yeah, that sounds good.
- Young Man: Come on, everybody, ten hut!
- Sherman: Felix! How about you flies down to Apalachicola and pick us up a cooler of fresh fish?
Felix, the bear, revs up the engine on his jetpack.
- Sherman: Some scrot. No tartar.
Felix’s jetpack roars into action and he blasts up and out of the hole. The animals babble excitedly at the prospect of food.
- Young Man: There is no time for snacking!
- Sherman: You might wanna use the hamburger necklace thing now, son.
The Young Man looks down at the necklace, which now appears to be glowing.
- Young Man: I suppose its magical properties could prevail over the evil forces that surround us.
- Sherman: It might even could distract the buns and the cats, then we could go out and be out and go do what we’re supposed to been doin’.
As the war rages on, the Young Man gingerly hoists the hamburger necklace up into the air - where it goes unnoticed by the feuding felines and battling buns.
- Young Man: I’m not so sure this hamburger necklace is magical at all.
- Sherman: Wave it around out there!
- Young Man: Look, animals…
- Animals: Wiggle it around!
- Animals: Give it a little jiggle!
- Sherman: You’re doin’ it wrong!
- Young Man: Fine. (waves the hamburger necklace) Are you happy?
- Sherman: Keep your finger on it!
Suddenly, the Astronomical Cat flies down and latches its claws onto the Young Man’s extended hand in an attempt to steal the necklace. It ends up taking off his hand in the process.
- Astronomical Cat: (meows)
- Young Man: Ahhh-AAHHHHH!
Astronomical Cat flies off with both hand and necklace. The Young Man is left staring at his severed limb as it spews blood.
- Young Man: Hey! That cat took my hand!
- Sherman: Swordfish is good.
- Monkey: Yeah.
- Sherman: Lightly seasoned swordfish.
OPENING TITLES
Cut to a shot of Uncle Grandfather’s home at night.
- Uncle Grandfather: NOOOOO!
We go inside, and find Uncle Grandfather still confronting Brenda.
- Uncle Grandfather: Brenda! I can’t berieve you started the Cat/Bun Wars! Well, I guess now I gotta go and negotiate the cease fire. That is so uncool. I guess you’ll just have to…
Uncle Grandfather dives beneath Brenda and stares upwards.
- Uncle Grandfather: … make it up to me somehow! (giggles) I wonder how.
Later on, we see Uncle Grandfather at a table in the middle of a field. Cats and buns are stationed on either side, and at the forefront their respective commanding officers are seated along with Uncle Grandfather. A piece of paper bearing the words “Cease Fire” is on the table before them.
- Uncle Grandfather: General Meow.
- General Meow: (meows)
- Uncle Grandfather: Commander Bun.
Commander Bun just sits there stalwartly.
- Uncle Grandfather: Okay, I got somewhere I gotta be, so… Come on. Sign it. Come on. Sign it. Sign it. Sign it. Come on. Seriously. Sign it. Sign it. Sign it.
Cut abruptly to Coiffio’s house, with a typically long establishing shot accompanied by upbeat music. When the music seems to have finished, we hear Coiffio speak.
- Coiffio: I will live on this fan-
However the music lets out one final prolonged note, cutting Coiffio off in mid-sentence. At last, the music comes to a close, and we immediately zoom up into the sky and see Coiffio’s spaceship.
- Coiffio: I will live on this fanciful ship!
We zoom in closer, and see Coiffio and Model Robot hanging out beside the pool.
- Coiffio: Until my house is sold! Model Wobot, have you found me a buyer?
- Model Robot: Why don’t you lease it to earn extra income, baby?
- Coiffio: What?! Why won’t you transform into an A-bomb? Blow yourself up!
- Model Robot: Okay, but… But why, baby? Why?
- Coiffio: TURN-INTO-A-BOMB-I-SAY!
- Model Robot: Oh, alright.
Model Robot instantly transforms and explodes in quick succession, seemingly destroying the spaceship in the process. Coiffio floats into view.
- Coiffio: Oh. Now I miss him.
We zoom in on Coiffio’s hair, and see a Model Robot montage within it as Coiffio mourns.
- Coiffio: (sings) Oh, Metal Butthole. Sweet Metal Butthole. Want you to know I miss you so.
Coiffio appears within the montage to interject.
- Montage Coiffio: So EFFin’ much!
- Coiffio: (sings) You were always so bowing, with your incessant twansforming. Too bad that you are… little burning pieces at my feet.
The montage over, we see Coiffio now standing back on the spaceship in his original position. Various smoldering scraps of Model Robot lie scattered about the pool area. When he’s done singing, the Astronomical Cat flies down and lands on the side of the pool.
- Coiffio: Ahhh, yeah! What up, Aero… Aeronauma… Ai, Astroma… Na… Space Cat! Where did you get that hamburger necklace and hand?
- Astronomical Cat: (meows)
- Coiffio: Ohh! You’ve killed… Gerald!
- Astronomical Cat: (meows)
- Coiffio: Good Aerona… buh… Aeros… Space Cat. Sweet, sweet relief. See, now I can move…
We zoom out very fast to a wide shot of the ship.
- Coiffio: TO FANTASTIC SPACE! I give you a treat now, cat.
- Astronomical Cat: (meows)
Cut to Uncle Grandfather sitting in his home with a vacuum cleaner and cake propped up on the table. To one side, a video camera has been set up to film the inanimate objects.
- Uncle Grandfather: Okay now, cake. You pretend you’re chamber-maid, and vacuum cleaner you preasently surprised. This leads to sex! Okay, quiet. Quiet on the set. Quiet. Speed. “Happy Suck Day To Me” take…
He is interrupted by the sound of a phone ringing.
- Uncle Grandfather: Damn!
Uncle Grandfather zips over to the nearby rotary phone and answers it.
- Uncle Grandfather: Herro.
- Coiffio: Hey man!
- Uncle Grandfather: Oh, Christ.
Via the magic of the split-screen, we now see Coiffio talking to Uncle Grandfather.
- Coiffio: Guess what!
- Uncle Grandfather: Why?
- Coiffio: I killed your son! Nyahahahaha!
- Uncle Grandfather: What are you talking about?
- Coiffio: I killed him!
- Uncle Grandfather: I don’t have a son.
- Coiffio: (leans into Uncle Grandfather’s half of the screen) ‘Cause I killed him!!! Heh-heh-heh.
- Uncle Grandfather: You’re retarded.
- Coiffio: I killed him.
- Uncle Grandfather: Look, um…
- Coiffio: Heh-heh-hey.
- Uncle Grandfather: I gotta go cause…
- Coiffio: ‘Cause I killed him.
- Uncle Grandfather: Cake and vacuum cleaner are waiting on me.
- Coiffio: Yeah.
- Uncle Grandfather: So, reave a message after the tone.
Uncle Grandfather hangs up.
- Coiffio: What… what?
Cut to Coiffio back on his ship.
- Coiffio: Bullshi… I mean, buh… bullsh… BALLS!
As if from nowhere, Rod appears - looking a great deal larger than usual. Coiffio is so surprised that he backflips out of the way.
- Rod: Oof. Check it out.
- Coiffio: Who the EFF are you?!
- Rod: I’m Rod the God. How much you want for it?
- Coiffio: What’re you talkin’ about?
- Rod: Your crib, dude.
- Coiffio: Oh yeah.
- Rod: I love sunken living rooms.
- Coiffio: You have good taste. But first, Astronomic Cat must perform… background check!
- Astronomical Cat: (meows)
- Coiffio: Go!!!
The Astronomical Cat’s theme tune plays and it flies away. It then returns and flies over to a computer, and starts typing the letter “R” over and over again. This goes on for a while.
- Rod: The hell’s that cat doin’, man?
- Coiffio: Aw, chill Rod. I’m sure you’ll pass.
Coiffio jumps over to the computer and takes a look for himself.
- Coiffio: Ahh. Seven years to pay off a hatchback?
- Rod: Dude, I…
- Coiffio: Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, Wod, get weal.
- Rod: Look, I’d love to just hang out here and watch your cat type, uh, the letter “R” twenty five times in a row, but…
Coiffio jumps back over to Rod.
- Coiffio: I’m selling this crib, man. Based on my thwilledness over killing… the bald Gerald!
- Rod: That bald kid?
- Coiffio: Yeah-heh-heh-heh.
- Rod: Man, that dude is not dead.
- Coiffio: What?
- Rod: Yeah, I just saw him, like, today.
- Coiffio: Yeah, wight! Look here! I got his hand, man!
Coiffio holds up the hamburger necklace, at the end of which dangles the Young Man’s hand.
- Rod: Nah, ha-ha.
- Coiffio: (waving the hand) Hey Wod! Hey Wod!
- Rod: You don’t.
- Coiffio: What’re you talkin’ about?
- Rod: I mean, look at all this hair.
- Coiffio: (holds up the hand and looks at it) Wha…?
- Rod: What you got there is a man hand.
We zoom in tight on the hand and see that it is indeed covered in thick, manly hair.
- Coiffio: Oh, no. Oh, no, don’t do this! Come on!
Rod suddenly sneezes, blowing away both the ship and Coiffio.
- Rod: Oh, man.
We cut to the Convenience Store of Death. In the sky, we can just about make out Coiffio parachuting down from space. Inside, Cat Man is dealing with a customer - a baby in a walker trying to purchase alcohol.
- Drunk Baby: (gurgles)
- Cat Man: Can I see some ID?
- Drunk Baby: (cries)
- Cat Man: (waves him off) Ahhh, just kidding.
The walker rolls through the automatic doors, and we see Coiffio slowly falling to the earth just outside
- Coiffio: Turn the lights on! Gerald is still alive! Allege… Attention! Attende! Ali Baba!
The drunk baby drives by in a car and knocks Coiffio out of the air.
- Coiffio: MNUH!
The parachute falls over Coiffio as he struggles to his feet.
- Coiffio: Cat Man! Attentio-
Cat Man shoots Coiffio in the chest with the gatling gun. Coiffio lies motionless on the ground for a minute or so.
- Coiffio: I have heard the most disturbing news!
- Cat Man: (puts the gun beneath the counter) What?
Coiffio bounces up to the counter, his gunshot wound still bleeding.
- Coiffio: Gerald is still alive!
- Cat Man: Who cares?
- Coiffio: Ah! Cat Man! C’mon, man! We care! Heh…
- Cat Man: I don’t.
- Coiffio: I care about you, Cat Man!
- Cat Man: Urgh.
- Coiffio: Do me a favor, Cat Man. Turn the lights back on in the fowest.
- Cat Man: I’m busy.
- Coiffio: Oh, yeah, yeah, I know, man. Whenever you get a window, man.
Coiffio jumps on top of Cat Man and starts pummelling him behind the counter.
- Coiffio: Like right ****ing now you ****ing cat!!!
We now see the drunk baby driving through the forest.
- Drunk Baby: (laughs)
Eventually the car falls into the same hole as the Young Man, crashing in a huge ball of fire. The walker has spilled out onto the ground at the Young Man’s feet.
- Young Man: What is the fi…
- Drunk Baby: (cries)
- Young Man: Now what?! Ugh. First I get trapped in a hole with smelly animals who bicker, then my hand is severed, now I have to care for a drunk baby.
- Sherman: We-we-we-we-we-we could eat that!
- Young Man: Drunk baby…
- Sherman: Put some sauce on his face.
- Young Man: I’m afraid you’ll have to find another place to live.
- Monkey: Well, hang on. (retrieves a twelve-pack of beer from the baby’s walker) Baby’s got a twelve pack.
- Sherman: Don’t be stingy, pop the top, throw it up here.
- Young Man: Oh, you animals are incorrigible.
Cut to Uncle Grandfather, who has begun shooting “Happy Suck Day To Me”.
- Uncle Grandfather: Vaccum cleaner, bend cake over.
He pushes the vacuum cleaner under the cake.
- Uncle Grandfather: That’s right. And then you go…
He shoves the two objects together so that the cake is leaning forward.
- Uncle Grandfather: That’s it. Rated R!
He thrusts the vacuum cleaner suggestively into the cake, before rushing over to the camera in order to bark directions.
- Uncle Grandfather: Frost his bag. Frost his bag! Frost his bag! Oh my god…
A silhouette in the shape of a Military Policeman stands in front of Uncle Grandfather, and we hear a gun cocking sound.
- Uncle Grandfather: Oh, hi. Can you get this vacuum cleaner to **** this cake?
END TITLES
Episode 5 - Woke Up Drunk
Black and white stock footage of crowds milling about in the streets opens this episode.
- Announcer: From Los Angeles, California… It’s the Perfect Hair Forever Comedy Variety Hour!
The words “The Perfect Hair Forever Comedy Variety Hour Show” appear on the screen. We fade into a theatre, where several Military Policemen are seated before a stage.
- Announcer: Featuring Steve Martin…
The name “Vishal Roney” appears on the screen.
- Announcer: Ruth Buzzi…
The name “Melissa Warrenburg” appears on the screen.
- Announcer: And Steve Buzzi!
The name “Warren Roneyburg” appears on the screen.
The curtain rises to reveal Sherman and Felix standing on the stage with a microphone. Above them is the Perfect Hair Forever logo. Piano music starts to play and the audience cheers.
- Sherman: Clap your hands, say ho!
The audience begins clapping in time with the music.
- Felix: (sings) He’s a little bit comedy!
- Sherman: (sings) And he’s a little bit anime cartoony! Watch out now.
- Felix: (sings) You’re a Japanese hot dog!
- Sherman: (sings) Actually I’m the giraffe, and you’s a California bear!
We see Hot Dog playing the piano.
- Felix & Sherman: (sings) Together we have married to produce…
- Sherman: Watch that high note, there.
- Felix & Sherman: (sing) Perfect hair!
- Felix: You a hot dog, you know.
- Sherman: I don’t know nothin’ about nothin’ about nothin’.
- Felix: Yeah, you, you just a Japanese hot dog giraffe, that’s what you are.
- Sherman: You watch your mouth there, boy.
- Felix: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
- Sherman: I ain’t gonna give you too many chances now.
- Felix: Alright, okay.
A spotlight hits Sherman and he starts to tapdance.
- Sherman: (sings) Sha-ba-doo-dee-do-oh-duh-eh-doo-doh!
We cut away to a series of fuzzy shots from various TV stations - Perfect Hair Forever characters’ faces have been inserted at random.
- Announcer: … Tonight… comedy… buttocks… forever… variety… bring you… gala… Japanese Bear Dad!
We now go to a suburban house, with smoke billowing from the roof. Inside, Gerald is eating an ice-cream, while a woman wearing only an apron sits on the counter smoking a cigarette. She appears to have been slashed by claws. Outside, a bear chases Space Ghost.
- Gerald: What’s wrong with Dad?
- Gerald’s “Mom”: He’s a bear.
- Gerald: Goodness! Was he a bear this morning?
- Gerald’s “Mom”: He was! Until he got his morning coffee. Now he’s a Japanese Bear Dad!
Japanese Bear Dad leans inside and roars at them.
- Gerald: Was Dad a Japanese Bear Dad this morning?
- Gerald’s “Mom”: I don’t know. I was too drunk. I woke up drunk. Weren’t you?
- Gerald: Hah! I’m too young to drink.
Japanese Bear Dad roars at Gerald through the window.
- Gerald: That bear sure looks hungry… even if he is our dad!
The audience laughs hysterically and applauds. We cut outside again, and a subtitle informs us that it’s “9 years ago”. Gerald enters the house holding Model Robot’s head. Japanese Bear Dad is there waiting for him.
- Gerald: Dad! I’m home from school!
Japanese Bear Dead roars.
- Gerald: Guess what? I’ve just invented the internet. But it’s made of wood.
Japanese Bear Dead growls.
- Gerald: That reminds me of a song. It’s called “I’m a Failure”.
Gerald walks off to the left, and the set seems to loop itself until he reaches a cliff face. He dives off, and soon afterwards floats back up on a cloud.
- Gerald: (sings) I can’t do anything right. Everything I touch turns to wood. Except the things I need turned to wood. I use pills for that. But that makes my eyes bleed. So my life is a failure.
As he floats by, various other Perfect Hair Forever characters can be seen floating past him on their very own clouds. The crucified clowns, Cat Man, Brenda, Uncle Grandfather, Hot Dog…
- Hot Dog: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
… Norman Douglas, and a fire - above which the words “This is an Ear” are written.
- Gerald: (sings) My life is a failure. My life is a failure. My life…
- Norman Douglas: STOP THAT!
- Gerald: … is a failure. I’m a failure. This journey is a failure. That song was a failure.
An image of Gerald running falls through the sky and crashes into the red moon orbiting the clown planet, exploding on impact.
- Announcer: His life is a failure.
Gerald returns to the house, where his “mom” is still sitting on the counter.
- Gerald: Mom! Where’s my bike?
- Gerald’s “Mom”: Ohhh. Oh, you know what? Japanese Bear Dad sold it to himself to use in his Tokyo circus act.
Japanese Bear Dad crawls by, knocking over Gerald and the furniture.
- Gerald’s “Mom”: Dauuhghaauw.
- Gerald: Hey!
Gerald returns to a standing position in a puff of magical energy.
- Gerald: Let’s find that circus… and buy back my bike!
- Gerald’s “Mom”: Uergh, can’t we do it tomorrow?
- Gerald: Tomorrow?! Japan isn’t open on Sundays!
- Gerald’s “Mom”: Not your tomorrow, my tomorrow. My, my tomorrow’s Wednesday. Dauuhghaauw.
A flock of geese have now entered the house, and are pecking away at things.
- Gerald: What are all these EFFing birds doing here?!
- Gerald’s “Mom”: I dunno.
- Announcer: From Los Angeles, California… Geese!
Norman Douglas looks through the window.
- Gerald’s “Mom”: And, and I don’t celebrate Wednesdays.
- Announcer: And now from Los Angeles, California… Steve Buzzi!
Back on the stage, the curtain rises to reveal Uncle Grandfather sitting at a table. We pan across and see Felix wrestling with a shark. This goes on for a while. One of the lightbulbs at the front of the stage breaks.
We pull back and see that a number of TV executives are watching all this on a huge monitor. The main exec sits in front of the three other suits.
- Executive: We just got the test results back from “Japanese Bear Dad”. It’s a disaster! Bears are scary! No child wants to be raised by bears!
- Suit #1: And this bear doesn’t do drugs, so there’s no B Story.
- Executive: Fund it!
- Suit #1: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! How about the hot dog?
Hot Dog floats up from beneath the table.
- Hot Dog: DOO DA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA-
A bear punches Hot Dog and he goes flying into the monitor, sliding down it and leaving behind a thick trail of blood.
- Executive: Fund it!
There’s a knock at the door.
- Suit #2: Let me ask you this. Does anybody here know how the moon was formed?
- Space Ghost: (from outside) Hey!
- Suit #1: Congress!
- Space Ghost: (outside) Hey!
- Suit #2: Yeah, that’s, that’s, that’s… Ding!
- Suit #3: Uh, ding!
- Space Ghost: (outside) Hey!
- Suit #2: And, uh, what about the oceans?
- Suit #1: Congress!
- Suit #3: Ding!
- Suit #2: Ding!
- Suit #1: Ding!
- Suit #3: Ding!
- Suit #2: Ding!
- Suit #1: Ding!
The door opens and Space Ghost staggers inside, carrying a bottle.
- Space Ghost: (slurred) Yuh, y’all have any work for me? Uh, ctuh, douh…
Space Ghost almost falls back.
- Space Ghost: Ooooh! There ya go. (retches) Now wait a minute. Do y’all have any work for me?
The executives all laugh at him. Space Ghost leaves and closes the door behind him.
- Space Ghost: Hell, let’s call someone and tell them the bad news. Let’s call… let’s call… mom!
Space Ghost presses his chest-mounted communicator and we hear a dial tone. Behind him, we hear a bear growl. It’s wearing a jetpack.
- Space Ghost: Hey, check it out, man, there’s a bear comin’. Hey, buddy-
The bear shoots Space Ghost and takes off on its jetpack. It flies in front of the moon, and then its engines give out. It falls to the earth below and explodes in front of a school, turning into an angel.
- Announcer: From Los Angeles, California… It’s Ghost Bear Junior High Attendance Party!
It suddenly becomes daytime, and the opening titles to “Ghost Bear Junior High Attendance Party” roll past.
Cut to a classroom, where a bell is ringing. Coiffio stands at the head of the class, holding a briefcase and mug.
- Coiffio: Okay… Bwenda.
We pan up Brenda’s body - she’s wearing a schoolgirl outfit and garters, while balancing some text books. The executive opens the door and leans in.
- Executive: Fund it!
- Coiffio: Pwesent! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh. Astronomic Cat!
Astronomical Cat flies up into the air, carrying its desk. The rest of the class consists of students that resemble Gerald, except with vastly different hairstyles. Ghost Bear is also amongst them.
- Astronomical Cat: (meows)
- Coiffio: Pwesent. Ghost Bear!
Ghost Bear roars.
- Coiffio: Ghost Bear?!
Ghost Bear roars again.
- Coiffio: Uh-oh, tardy again.
Ghost Bear roars a final time and throws his desk across the room. Blood sprays everywhere as Ghost Bear slaughters the entire class.
- Coiffio: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh, oh Ghost Bear. I guess you’re here after all!
The audience laughs.
- Coiffio: And…
We see Ghost Bear feasting on one of the students’ corpses.
- Coiffio: Ted, I’m gonna mark you down as absent. Forever!
The audience laughs and the end titles for Ghost Bear Junior High Attendance Party roll.
- Announcer: From Los Angeles, California… (clears throat) Hello voice, have some coffee.
Back in the classroom, Uncle Grandfather enters holding a bottle. He trips over the waste paper bin and lands beneath Brenda, the bottle placed suggestively between his legs.
- Uncle Grandfather: Ohh, yes. Let’s play spin-the-bottle-hot-girl-climb-aboard-me-and-start-to-be-spinning… on-my-bottle.
The audience laughs and applauds. Uncle Grandfather stands up. Both he and Brenda stand there silently while fart sounds begin playing. The audience laughs after every one.
- Uncle Grandfather: Oi.
The executive runs up to the camera.
- Executive: Fund it.
Cut to Tuna Mountain, as we pan down to a stall where two Indians are observing the wares on display.
- Chief: Whoa-ho. Look at those turqouise fish.
- Indian: Those are bracelets.
- Chief: I can’t believe we pay eighty dollars for this.
Uncle Grandfather stands up behind the stall wearing an Indian headband and feather. He farts, and giggles.
We cut away to the stage, where a circular hole has been placed in the middle.
- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Brenda… and her amazing revolving buttocks!
A revolving platform rises out of the stage carrying Brenda, who is lying prone on it with her butt thrust high into the air. She simultaneously balances a tray of hamburgers on one hand. Uncle Grandfather runs onstage and watches very closely as she revolves. A mouse pointer appears and aims itself at the hamburgers.
- Announcer: Computers.
The mouse pointer clicks and we see Gerald, Hot Dog, Norman Douglas, and Terry walking through the forest. Gerald’s motorcycle lies burning in the background.
- Announcer: It’s Gerald.
Twisty pulls a knife and goes to stab Norman Douglas, but Norman looks at him just in time and he turns back into Terry.
- Gerald: Tuna Mountain sure is far.
The four of them walk past the Young Man and Sherman, who are just standing around.
- Sherman: I’m famished. How’s about we go back to the Bay Area and get some crabs?
- Young Man: Let’s see how the judges react. Judges?
There is no response.
- Young Man: Come on, judges, react!
Cut to a bedroom, where three Military Policemen are in bed together. Tuna Mountain can be seen through the window.
- Military Police #1: This sex sure is good.
- Military Police #2: Yes, it is.
- Military Police #1: And I’m envisioning you thrusting all over me right now in an extremely graphic way.
- Military Police #3: Oh, man.
- Military Police #2: Yeah, that’s right, yeah, that’s right. We can’t thrust at each other because that’s a standards problem.
- Military Police #1: But I’m feeling you thrust all against me anyway with your hot dog.
- Military Police #3: Love it when it touches my hot dog and uh…
- Military Police #2: Oh, thankyou.
Hot Dog emerges from beneath the covers.
- Hot Dog: DOO DA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
- Military Police #2: I like it too.
The executive pokes his head out from under the covers.
- Executive: Space Ghost!
The audience laughs and applauds.
END TITLES
While the credits roll, Cat Man whacks a ball that’s dangling from a string.
- Cat Man: That’s it, bitch. Suck it!
Cat Man falls to the ground and stares up at the ball.
- Cat Man: Cat Man will EFF you up!
Cat Man starts clawing at the ball with his hands. Eventually he stops.
- Cat Man: I wanna go pick up some cold ones and knock ‘em back.
Episode 6 - Tusk
Open on the Perfect Hair Forever logo floating amongst the stars. It is then replaced by Gerald, Hot Dog, Norman Douglas, and Terry.
- Rod: (voice-over) We now journey the join… (sighs)… already in progress.
The backdrop fades to that of the forest, and the four of them continue walking.
- Gerald: Man, we’ve been walking here for a week and a half.
- Hot Dog: LAAA!
- Gerald: Maybe I need to give a motivational thing.
- Hot Dog: Ahhh.
Gerald stops and addresses his companions.
- Gerald: Friends. We’re all in this together. So Tree, if Terry pulls a knife on you…
- Norman Douglas: WHAT?!
- Terry: Eh-heh-heh.
- Gerald: He’s crazy. But we have to continue our journey to Tuna Mountain or I’m gonna be stuck with this imperfect hair forever. And you know people are trying to kill us. And weird things happen.
A miniature Space Ghost appears in front of Gerald’s face, doing the Robot. He then promptly disappears again.
- Gerald: So let’s just put our heads together and get through this.
- Terry: Hey, friends, I have an idea!
- Gerald: Yes?
- Terry: Let’s make a list of all the things that are trying to thwart our significant quest!
- Gerald: Alright.
- Twisty: First one is this tree!
Twisty pulls out a knife and stabs Norman Douglas.
- Norman Douglas: AHHHH! HE STABBED ME IN MY NECK!
Twisty laughs wickedly.
- Norman Douglas: YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?!
- Twisty: Heh-heh. Yes.
- Norman Douglas: COME GET SOME, MAN! EUAAAAH!
The two of them engage in a blustery duel, completely obscured by the wind. It dissipates for a moment and we see Twisty has gotten the better of Norman Douglas.
- Twisty: On your knees.
The wind picks up again and they clash once more.
- Norman Douglas: AHHH! QUIT IT! UNGH! UH! AH! STOP DOING THAT! STOP IT!
- Gerald: I’m frustrated by my journey and you people aren’t helping.
Gerald walks away.
- Hot Dog: DOO DA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
- Gerald: Hot Dog… Hot Dog… You’re starting to piss me off.
- Hot Dog: LA LA…!
Soon enough, they come across Cat Man’s lair. Cat Man is sitting outside talking on the phone.
- Cat Man: … and then rammed the whole head of it into the ground. I mean, it didn’t even- Ah… Bye.
He hangs up, having caught sight of Gerald.
- Cat Man: Hey, Paul.
- Hot Dog: LA!
Hot Dog flees.
- Gerald: What…?
- Cat Man: Where you guys-
Cat Man is interrupted by a cute squirrel chirping happily to itself. He glares at the squirrel until it scampers away.
- Cat Man: Where you guys goin’?
- Gerald: I’m on a journey to Mount Tuna… Mountain.
Hot Dog returns, just in time to see Rod appear out of nowhere.
- Rod: Dy-no-miiite! What’s goin’ on, y’all? What’s, uh, what’s happenin’, what’s shakin’? I heard somebody say journey.
- Gerald: I’m on a journey.
- Rod: Yeah, man. I hear they’re comin’ to the Tunarena. I got tickets. For you.
Rod leans in close to Gerald, and produces a pair of tickets from thin air.
- Gerald: No, thankyou.
- Hot Dog: (grunts) LA-LA-LA! LAAAA…
Hot Dog leaves.
- Rod: Look, you gonna buy these tickets or not? Cause I really need some cash for the down payment on my house that I’m buying from Coiffio who wants to move to space.
- Gerald: We don’t need tickets. We need to get to Tuna Mountain.
- Rod: Whoa! If Tuna Mountain’s what you seek, just look for the sign.
- Gerald: What sign is that?
- Rod: Uhhh, I dunno. There’s probably a sign- anyone have a map? Anyone have a map to the signs?
- Cat Man: You wanna get to Tuna Mountain, you’re gonna need motorcycles.
- Gerald: Really…?
- Cat Man: Yeah, motorcycles, Tuna Mountain.
- Rod: He’s in a cat suit.
- Gerald: Yeah.
- Cat Man: What cat suit?!
- Rod: Hey, kid, c’mere, look… Look down here, look down here…
Rod offers Gerald some blotter paper decorated with a picture of Skillet from “12 Oz. Mouse”.
- Rod: Put this on your tongue.
- Gerald: What is it?
- Rod: LSD.
- Gerald: Is it dangerous?
- Rod: (scoffs) Yeah.
- Gerald: No, thankyou.
- Rod: And it’s fun and legal.
- Gerald: No, thankyou.
- Norman Douglas: HEY! ANYBODY LIKE FUNNY JOKES?!
Norman Douglas comes charging through the forest and crashes into Gerald, knocking him over.
- Gerald: Aaaah!
- Norman Douglas: YEEEAAAH!
Norman Douglas snatches the paper in his mouth and zooms away.
- Norman Douglas: AAAAHAAHAAHAAAAAA!
- Rod: (to Gerald) You’re already on part of this drug.
We iris out on Gerald’s face as Rod laughs.
- Rod: Dumbass.
OPENING TITLES
Gerald awakens, only to find Cat Man licking his head.
- Gerald: Ow!
Gerald crawls away.
- Cat Man: What?
- Gerald: Bitch!
Coiffio arrives, riding a gigantic motorcycle with hot-dog bun spokes.
- Coiffio: Cat Man!
He jumps off the bike and lands beside Gerald.
- Coiffio: I am enwaged to see you with Gerald and not killing him!
- Cat Man: You said to kill Paul.
- Coiffio: Aww, who the EFF is Paul? I said Gerald!
- Gerald: Are you… Coiffio?
- Coiffio: Ah-hah!
- Gerald: The evil controller of cats…?
- Coiffio: EFFin’-A wight, little bitch!
Coiffio pulls a guitar out of nowhere and plays it.
- Coiffio: Heh-heh-heh-heh. I challenge you…
He jumps back onto the bike and revs the engine enticingly.
- Coiffio: To a choppa dool!
- Gerald: What?
- Coiffio: A choppa dool!
- Gerald: What?
- Coiffio: CHOPPA DOOL!
Gerald returns to a standing position in a puff of magical energy.
- Gerald: What?
Coiffio sighs and jumps back down so he’s facing Gerald.
- Coiffio: I challenge you to a motorcycle… competition.
- Gerald: But we’re in the dense forest.
- Coiffio: Yeah, but… I mean…
- Gerald: We’ll need a race track.
Rod reappears, but this time he’s tiny.
- Rod: Someone say race track, or, uh… uh… Damn it!
He disappears again, causing Gerald and Coiffio to look bemused. Then there is an enormous explosion as Rod returns, his body practically filling the screen. Gerald and Coiffio have been blown backwards.
- Rod: Someone say race track, or, uh…
- Gerald: Yes.
- Rod: Who needs race tracks?
- Gerald: We do.
- Rod: I got all that stuff, but uh… I gots to get paid.
- Coiffio: Ohh, hello… Wod!
- Rod: Uh.
- Coiffio: Are you prepared to make an offer on my house, giant flame?
- Rod: Eh-heh-heh. Well, don’t you think you’re asking a little too much for it, man?
- Coiffio: This other couple seems not to think I’m not asking too much!
- Rod: Dude, listen-
- Coiffio: Wod!
- Rod: Dude.
- Gerald: That man in the cat suit says we need motorcycles to get to Tuna Mountain.
- Cat Man: What cat suit?!
- Coiffio: But, but, I challenge him to a race to the death! So, we need a wace track!
- Rod: Alright, look, I can clear all this up with a low 8.9% APR financing on a thirty year mortgage with no down-payment, alright?
- Coiffio: Mmmm.
- Rod: (to Gerald) And if you… You buy my tickets… Then I’ll do this. So everybody agrees with me?
- Gerald: Agreed.
- Coiffio: Agweed.
- Rod: Oh yes. Gonna take a little trip.
Rod holds up a lighter and sets the strip of paper attached to his forehead alight. He subsequently explodes and we find ourselves looking out at numerous hot dog buns and cats playing musical instruments. This would be the Tunarena, and amidst a sea of buns and cats there sits an enormous tower. We hear the Young Man’s voice over a speaker system.
- Young Man: Here we are, folks, at the Ultimate Immortal Death Race 32,000 … Dot Com!
We zoom in on the tower and see both the Young Man and Sherman in the room at the top of the tower, wearing headsets and surrounded by television monitors.
- Young Man: Between Coiffio and Young Gerald! And I’m being told we have Astronomical-
- Sherman: Not to interrupt and cut you off, Young Son, but we have Astronomical Cat providing aerial views of the race!
We now see Astronomical Cat flying around the arena holding a video camera.
- Young Man: We’re just moments away from the start, as the racers make their last minute preparations.
- Sherman: And the breeze is in the north-easterly direction!
Cut to Cat Man standing next to a box, as Coiffio rides by on his motorcycle.
- Coiffio: Oh no!
He promptly crashes off-screen, and debris goes flying past. Coiffio jumps over to Cat Man, apparently unharmed.
- Coiffio: And what plans have-
The debris explodes, sending Coiffio flying.
- Coiffio: AAAHH!!!
Coiffio returns unscathed.
- Coiffio: And what plans have you, Cat Man, to prevent Gerald from wictory?
- Cat Man: Oh, I got a little somethin’. Check it out.
Cat Man slams his fist onto the box, which opens to reveal an alligator.
- Coiffio: Heh. Alligator.
- Cat Man: You know, throw it on the track-
The alligator jumps on Cat Man.
- Cat Man: Augh, gator! Gah! Get off me you EFFin’ gator!
- Coiffio: Ha-ha-ha-ha! Helpful as usual.
We now see Hot Dog working on Gerald’s bike with a wrench.
- Hot Dog: LLLAAA! RRRRLA! LA! LLLLLA!
- Gerald: Look, Hot Dog.
- Hot Dog: LA-LA!
Hot Dog tosses the wrench away.
- Gerald: Tuna Mountain.
They both look out towards the distant Tuna Mountain, only for Coiffio to drive along on his bike and obscure their view.
- Coiffio: Ohhh, so you want to get to Tuna Mountain?
- Gerald: Yeah.
- Coiffio: You’re goin’ get have to get past me first!
Norman Douglas jumps onto the back of Gerald’s bike.
- Norman Douglas: BRING IT ON, MAN! WE’LL KICK YOUR ASS!
Coiffio begins mimicking the sound of a motorcycle engine.
- Norman Douglas: STOP IT!
Coiffio ignores Norman’s pleas and continues.
- Norman Douglas: STOP DOING THAT!
- Coiffio: Heh-heh. Now I’m gonna do it with the engine!
Coiffio drives away, still doing the bike sounds with his mouth.
- Norman Douglas: QUIT IT! WE’LL KICK YOUR ASS!
- Gerald: Tree, I have bad news for you.
- Norman Douglas: WHAT?!
- Gerald: I’m afraid I’ve got to do this alone.
- Norman Douglas: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ALONE?!
- Gerald: I’m sorry. It’s your enormous helmet.
We now see that Norman Douglas is wearing a bike helmet that is nearly as large as he is.
- Norman Douglas: WHAT DO YOU MEAN…?!
- Gerald: The drag on your enormous helmet will be too much, and you just can’t draft with a helmet that enormous. And you’re also… just a… tree.
- Norman Douglas: WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Tears begin filling Norman’s goggles.
- Gerald: Come on, now. You’re being overly emotional because of the drugs you took earlier.
- Norman Douglas: IT’S SUPER UNFAIR THAT I’M NOT ACCEPTED BY YOU ALL! WAAAHAAAHAAAAA!
Norman scampers away, and in the background a horn sounds - signifying the start of the race.
- Gerald: Come on, Hot Dog.
- Hot Dog: FA-NA-LA-NA-LA-NA?
- Gerald: I need to race.
Cut to the crowds of buns and cats as the Young Man and Sherman look on from above.
- Young Man: Gentlemen! Start your engines!
The buns and cats all cheer restlessly. We then go over to the starting position, where Gerald and Coiffio are about to compete.
- Coiffio: I will end you! How ‘bout them apples? My young bald nemene… eh… emen… emenes… emeneses…
- Gerald: Alright, heh.
Brenda, in a very revealing jumpsuit, raises a green flag and waves it to commence the race. Coiffio and Gerald both speed off down the track. Uncle Grandfather then dives onto the track beneath Brenda.
- Uncle Grandfather: Bunununununs!
Back to the Young Man and Sherman.
- Sherman: And they’re off! Who will win the race to the death? Young Gerald, or the evil Coiffio?
- Young Man: This is so neat.
Coiffio is in the lead, with Gerald in hot pursuit. Coiffio arrogantly shoots Gerald the bird.
- Coiffio: You do not know how to drive! Look at this finger!
A wide shot reveals that yet another bike is chasing both of them.
- Sherman: Uh-oh! There’s something else on the track, or someone… Looks like a baby, uh, scruh, uh, baby in an alligator mouth uh, look!
The newcomer turns out to be the alligator.
- Sherman: The racers better be careful!
- Coiffio: Oh no! Whoa no! A gator! Astronomical Cat, save me!
The alligator closes in on Coiffio. Overhead, the Astronomical Cat sees its master in danger and drops the video camera.
- Astronomical Cat: (meows)
- Coiffio: Get back there, gatow!
Astronomical Cat swoops down and lifts the alligator from the back of its motorcycle. In the meantime, Gerald takes the lead.
- Astronomical Cat: (meows)
- Young Man: I can’t believe it! The aeronautical flying cat is using his wingvolution crystal croc-toss powers to hoist the motorgator rider off his bike!
- Sherman: The wh…? What’d ya say?
- Young Man: Oh no!
Astronomical Cat drops the alligator onto Gerald’s bike, turning the tables. Coiffio speeds by.
- Gerald: Aaaaaah!
- Young Man: Gerald’s in real trouble!
Hot Dog is on the sidelines, watching with anxiety.
- Hot Dog: LA-LA-LA! LA-LA-LA!
- Sherman: But, but wait, wait! What is that there, the hot dog thing? How ‘bout he turns into a…
Hot Dog transforms into a lengthy weiner-cycle and gives chase.
- Sherman: … a transverter weiner-cycle bike!
- Young Man: My goodness. I’ve never seen a weiner-cycle.
- Sherman: Look out, now, they’re gonna…
The weiner-cycle and the alligator both pull out swords and start fighting in the middle of the race.
- Sherman: Uh-oh! What’s that!
The alligator jumps onto the weiner-cycle, allowing Gerald to return to the race.
- Sherman: Oooh! Seein’ that, that frat dog thing reminds me I’m kinda hungry.
- Young Man: Shh.
- Sherman: Maybe the peanut man’ll probably come up here?
- Young Man: Excuse me! These guys are racing to the death!
- Sherman: I don’t see nobody dying over here.
- Young Man: They’re racing to die!
- Sherman: There’s nothing happening to these guys.
- Young Man: Wait! Look!
Coiffio and Gerald speed by, neither one with the advantage.
- Young Man: The racers are now neck-and-neck!
- Coiffio: I will have you, Gerald! Nyahahahahahahaha!
Coiffio looks like he’s going to take the lead, but all of a sudden his hair flies off - exposing his regular hair to the world!
- Coiffio: Ahh!
His multicolored ‘do spins through the air in slow-motion.
- Coiffio: Mah haiw! Mah haiw!
The hair lands with a squelch on the side of the track.
- Sherman: Oh snap!
- Young Man: Oh my stars!
- Sherman: And the man’s… hair… fell off!
- Coiffio: Oh no! My fantastic ‘do! Call 9-1-1!!!
- Sherman: Wait, wait…
We see that Hot Dog has returned to his original form, still battling the alligator.
- Sherman: If that hot dog defeats the alligator and then drags his body over and props him up against that hair…
We see Terry floating beside a number of gas tanks, smoking.
- Sherman: And if Twisty flicks his cigarette at them gas tanks…
- Terry: What?
- Sherman: The young balding boy might just could use that hair as a ramp!
Gerald is still racing.
- Gerald: This whole race is confusing. Maybe if Twisty would flick his cigarette towards those gas tanks…
- Terry: What?
- Gerald: … the explosion would drive me around the track…
Hot Dog, having beaten the alligator, now drags its body over to the hair in order to create a ramp that leads toward Tuna Mountain.
- Gerald: … and up that hair ramp, to fly towards the mountain… that does not exist.
Gerald rockets along the track, screaming orders to Terry.
- Gerald: Twisty! Confusing Marlboro Debris Combustion Power Ash Flick Force! Activate!
- Terry: What?
- Gerald: Perform Chesterfield Slims Iron Lung Fuel Flip Synergy Ignition!
- Terry: What…?
- Gerald: Activate Lucy Flip Phase Nine Power Fuel… Consumption… Protocol…!
- Terry: … What?
- Gerald: Do it! Now!
At long last, Terry flicks his cigarette at the gas tanks, which explode - propelling Gerald high into the air.
END TITLES](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7849kDR7f1ra14h7o1_400.png)
Episode 4 - Happy Suck Day
Hovering in the sky, the clown planet seems to stare obliviously into the far reaches of space as the Astronomical Cat swoops by, its theme music playing on a constant loop as it does so. In the background, the bun sent by Uncle Grandfather to warn Gerald flits across the screen.
We immediately pan down to the earth below, where an ugly and brutal conflict has broken out. Cats and buns are fighting each other, and right in the middle of it all the Young Man is still stuck in the hole - clinging to Sherman’s neck as he surveys the carnage. He momentarily falls back down into the hole where his animal cohorts await.
- Young Man: Golly, it looks like we’re in the middle of a war between hot dog buns and cats! And I’m certain this war is because someone is mad at the other.
- Felix: Just get us out of here, ya dumb son of a bitch!
- Young Man: You don’t understand!
The New Old. Poor.
12
Jul
In Propaganda (1928), Bernays argued that the manipulation of public opinion was a necessary part of democracy:
The conscious and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of the masses is an important element indemocratic society. Those who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government which is the true ruling power of our country. …We are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested, largely by men we have never heard of. This is a logical result of the way in which our democratic society is organized. Vast numbers of human beings must cooperate in this manner if they are to live together as a smoothly functioning society. …In almost every act of our daily lives, whether in the sphere of politics or business, in our social conduct or our ethical thinking, we are dominated by the relatively small number of persons…who understand the mental processes and social patterns of the masses. It is they who pull the wires which control the public mind.
